Keepin' it Real

I got a sweet message from a friend today who is another adoptive mom, and she commented that in my Facebook profile pictures, I make motherhood look so easy-peasy.

I had to chuckle to myself because I'm such an idealist, and I realized that the pictures I usually share on Facebook and my blog are my favorite moments where everyone is behaving well and getting along. Plus, the beauty of digital photography is the "delete" feature, so I usually just delete the pics where someone is whining or grimacing.

So in the interest of keeping it real, I thought I'd share these photos that I asked my neighbor to take of us one day because the boys and I were all color-coordinated. Here are the results:

Crazy Exhaustion, Certificates of Citizenship, Bonding with Zachy, Charmed by Jeremy

Over the past few weeks, I've been fighting some serious exhaustion. I could write a really long post about it, but the bottom line is that I still have no idea what was/is going on with me. After a week and a half of feeling so sluggish that I could barely peel myself off of the sofa, I went to the doctor. He examined me and ran blood tests and basically told me that he couldn't find anything wrong with me. My main symptoms were exhaustion, headaches, occasional fever, sweats/chills. I started to feel really frustrated and depressed because I wasn't getting better, or I'd think I was getting better, but then I'd relapse. I started to wonder if I was dealing with Post Adoption Depression Syndrome (because exhaustion is one of the main symptoms), but after listening to a talk on it, I don't think that's what it was. My best guess is that something viral is just taking its sweet time running through my system. OR I've been pretty exhausted ever since I came home from Ethiopia and it just gets worse at different times and it manifests itself with flu-like symptoms. Thankfully, I seem to be bouncing back this week, and I hope I'll be back to my normal self soon!

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The boys each received their United States Certificate of Citizenship in the mail! I forgot, though, that it doesn't have their new names on it. So I'm guessing that after we complete their Recognition of Foreign Adoption Decree and receive their state-issued Birth Certificates with their new names on it, we'll have to reapply for the Certificate of Citizenship reflecting their name changes. Hmmm. Have any of you other adoptive families thought about this one yet?

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In other fun news, Zachary fell asleep in my arms today! This was a first and for me it felt like a significant step in our bonding. Typically, he'll take his bottle, and even if he's sleepy after being burped, he won't fall asleep in my arms. He prefers to be swaddled and put in his crib with a pacifier. But today, I fed him a bottle and he fell asleep during the feeding. Then I burped him, and he was still sleepy, so I cradled him in my arms and he just fell back to sleep. I got all teary looking down at him sleeping in my arms. Sometimes he even smiles when he's sleeping. It felt so special to me because it's as if he is trusting me more and he's learning that I'm his Mama, and a safe place to doze. I just love that! And I love him so!

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Jeremy continues to charm me daily. Last week, I was a little chilly, so I threw on a cardigan over my t-shirt, and Jeremy looked at me and said, "Wow!"  That pretty much made my day! Love him!

A Word of Encouragement

Yesterday, I went out to take a walk with the boys in our double stroller. Along the way, Jeremy spotted a dog and said, "Puppy!". As we got closer, it was, indeed, a Jack Russell Terrier puppy. He was on a leash and was acting crazy and wired, as Jack Russells are prone to do.

"My son loves dogs," I told the puppy's owners, as we slowed to a stop for Jeremy to admire the pooch.

My son. My son! It rolled ever so naturally off my tongue, as if I'd been saying it for years!

"Don't let him get too close," the dog owners, said, "He's a crazy dog!"

"I understand. My father had several Jack Russells!"

"They never get better!", said one of the dog's owners.

"No! They're always crazy!", I yelled back to them, as we continued on our way.

"Thanks for saying that..." she replied, sounding somewhat disappointed.

I thought that was an odd final reply to an otherwise pleasant exchange, but as I continued walking on, I realized that she didn't actually say, "They never get better!" Instead, she must have asked me, "Do they ever get better?"

Whoops! She asked me if it ever gets better, and I told her "No!" Poor woman!

It reminded me of our first week or two home from Ethiopia, when we were more tired than we'd ever been, jet lagged, and still getting to know our children. It was a stage of life that I refer to as "the post-adoption haze". We were walking around like semi-zombies doing the best we could. When people would tell us that we looked like we were doing great, Brian would humorously reply, "We're just faking it!"

Occasionally, when someone would ask how we were doing, and our reply was "tired", their response would often be, "Well, get ready... It will be like that for the next 18 years!" Hearing that would make me want to throw up a little.

While I still don't feel as well-rested as I'd like to be, I feel much better than I did during that first jet lagged week or two, when we were muddling through "the haze".

I'm writing this for all of the adoptive families that are about to travel to Ethiopia to bring your children home (and also for my own encouragement, because we still have some really hard days): When you are home with your kids and you're tired and it's hard because you're in the haze of post-adoption and that stinkin' jet lag just won't stop, remember that you read on some blog that it does get easier!!!

And one day you won't be quite so tired, and you'll be on a walk of your own, or at the grocery store, or at church, and you'll say "my son" or "my daughter" in passing, and you'll be amazed at how naturally it rolled off your tongue, and just how far you've come.

An Open Letter to Sleep

Dear Sleep,

You are one of the longest-term relationships I've ever had. So when I say that it's really NOT about you, I hope you'll believe me. It's not. You're wonderful just the way you are.

It's...well...I don't know how to say this without hurting you, but I've met someone else...two someones, actually. They are much younger, and they are quite adorable. Oh, and they are requiring more time than I ever could have imagined--so much so that I'm afraid I don't have the time you deserve from me. We both need to face the fact that the relationship we once had just isn't there anymore, and as much as I don't want to call it quits, I'm afraid that it's already happened.

I do hope that you understand, and I want you to know that my deepest desire is that one day we will be able to pick up where we left off.

Until then, I am most longingly yours,

Tracy

P.S. If you need to see the faces of your competition, here they are. Perhaps you'll now understand how they have won my affection so completely.

Tired but HAPPY!