Book Review: No Biking in the House Without a Helmet by Melissa Fay Greene

A few weeks ago, as I stood with my sons in front of the carousel at the mall, I was approached by someone with a vaguely familiar face. Tracy?, she wondered aloud. It was a high school friend who I haven't seen for the last 19 years. She was with her husband and their beautiful four year old daughter. Immediately, I wondered if their little girl was adopted, since she looked distinctly Latina. I wasn't sure, though, because my friend's husband had dark hair, and I thought maybe he had the dominant genes that were passed on to their daughter. Also...I've learned as an adoptive mom that sometimes you just don't feel like talking about your adoption story every time someone asks. I decided to keep my mouth shut and just enjoy catching up with a long lost friend, but after a few minutes, her husband said, "So I just have to ask. Are your sons adopted?"

As it turned out, their daughter was also adopted, and we had a wonderful conversation about our families' adoption journeys. I learned that my friend's husband had biological children from a previous marriage. Brimming with pride and love for his adopted daughter, he gushed, "It's no different from having biological children!" I knew instinctively what he meant. Of course, the journey that adoptive parents and adopted children take to become a family is very different from the way a biological family is formed. He was simply saying that his love for his adopted daughter was no different from the love he has for his bio kids. His bond with her was no different. She was his daughter--full stop!

As an adoptive mother who will more than likely never give birth to biological children, I have felt the pangs of envy when I see my friends and even perfect strangers with round, pregnant bellies. I have wondered how Brian's genes and my genes would combine--what those strawberry-blonde, freckle-faced cuties would look like. I have longed to be able to nurse a baby at my breast. All these things that in some way I've felt that I'm missing out on, I have grieved and grieved deeply.

However, I've also marveled at some of the things I've experienced as an adoptive mother that biological families will never know. Some of these things are nothing short of miraculous, and I am humbled and honored that God has allowed Brian and me to be part of a life experience so precious and transforming as adoption: the way our sons (with DNA all their own) fit so seamlessly into the fabric of our family. The way Jeremy has his birthm0ther's gleaming white teeth, but he has my smile. The way I felt the first time Zachary was placed in my arms--like Heaven itself had descended to Earth and given me a gift so beautiful, words will never be able to aptly describe it. Suddenly, the tables had turned and instead of feeling sorry for myself, I felt a little bit sorry for those poor fertile couples who will never know this special joy, the uniqueness of this special journey!

Melissa Fay Greene expresses it beautifully in her adoption memoir No Biking in the House Without a Helmet:

Down a narrow, rocky lane we bounced, then parked outside the cement walls of Layla House, AAI's orphanage. Selamneh [my driver] honked for admission. I was beside myself with excitement and a kind of stage fright. For the second time in my life I prepared to meet a child who was going to call me Mama.

There can be no other demarcation of time, no other "life-cycle event" as significant a crossing-over as this one. Marriage is momentous, but in most of the modern world, brides and grooms stand at the altar beside their beloved. Childbirth is a major event, but it, like marriage, follows a deep prior connection. Now the elderly guard pulled open the gates and I prepared to meet a person who would join, and change, my life permanently.

I remember that moment with both of my children. That first meeting that would change my life forever, for the best!

No Biking in the House is a wonderful book, detailing the path her family took as it grew from a family with four biological kids to a family with nine kids total (the additional five by adoption from Bulgaria and Ethiopia). Greene is a masterful wordsmith and I enjoyed the story of how her family came to be as much as I enjoyed the way she wrote about it!

Her tone is loving, her stories both triumphant and heartbreaking, but her style is never preachy. After I finished the book this morning, I had to spend some time processing the myriad feelings I had--joy, heartbreak, and a burden to do something to help make a change in the world. I realized as I processed these feelings what a genius Greene is--she inspired so much thought in me without ever hammering me over the head with it! She simply told her family's story, and in doing so reminded me what a big difference a family can make.

One Year Ago Today: Meeting our Boys!

One year ago today, we were in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia meeting our sons for the first time! It was one of the most JOYFUL moments in my life! 

Zachary was so laid-back and sweet. He warmed right up and then fell asleep!

Poor Jeremy was so upset! He had been taken out of his room where he was having fun, and he was not so happy about being introduced to Mommy! Eventually, he wore himself out with the crying and then he fell asleep. Then Mommy cried tears of joy to be holding my son!

We are so thankful to God for entrusting these boys to us to raise and love. They are wonderful sons!

Che-Che, Mama!

Ever since we adopted the boys, Jeremy has said, "Che-che, Mama!" if he wants me to hold him or to sit by him. It's really cute, so we've kept it as part of our family vocabulary. One day, my mom met an Ethiopian expat living here, and she asked her, "What does "che-che" mean?" Her response was that it is what they say when a mother carries her baby on her back.

I love knowing that Jeremy remembers that, and it's funny because when we first brought them home, he used to ask me to carry him in the baby carrier on my back, and he LOVED it!

A few weeks ago, I decided to try carrying him on my back using a wrap my sister made me. It worked great (although he was HEAVY!), and it was so fun to be able to "hold" both of my babies at the same time!

Oromia Countryside

One of our favorite memories from our first trip to Ethiopia in late July/early August was the drive we took from the city of Addis Ababa out through the Oromia countryside to the Adaddi Mariam Church. We loved it so much that we decided to do the drive again, this time with our mothers! (Note to traveling families: we can't recommend this drive enough! It is BEAUTIFUL and the sights you see are so gorgeous and so worth the drive!!!

Leaving the city, we saw this roadside "stand" outside of an Orthodox church where colorful umbrellas used for religious ceremonies were being sold.

And after weaving through city traffic for a while, we suddenly found ourselves HERE, breathing fresh air and wondering if we were actually in Ireland:

Here we are with our wonderful driver, Solomon. We love "Soli"!

It was so cool to see the Acacia trees that are such a symbol of Africa!

We got to see the Awash River, which is also called "The Blue Nile" in some parts of Ethiopia!

And let's not forget the beautiful faces of the children we saw along the drive!

We saw these thatched roof houses:

Lovely flowers on a fence:

And it's not a ride out to the country without seeing one of these:

Taxi, anyone?

After about an hour or so of driving, we came to this sign and turned right for a seven mile drive down a country dirt road that ends at the church. This time, though, we didn't make it to the church because our van got stuck in the mud. Thankfully, some men came to our rescue and helped us out, but we all decided it was better to turn around and head back to town rather than risk more muddy mishaps. We were okay with not seeing the church. It is cool to see and has an amazing story and history, but for us it the beautiful drive that was the real gem of the journey.

As we came back into the city, we stopped at the Alert Hospital, where beautiful hand woven and hand embroidered goods are made. This man was weaving yards and yards of fabric on his loom. If you go to Addis, I highly recommend stopping at the Alert Hospital gift shop, where they sell these beautiful woven/embroidered goods, and all the funds go back to the people who made them!

In my opinion, the drive to Adaddi Mariam is at the top of my list of "recommended to dos" while in Ethiopia! We enjoyed it both times! In case you're wondering where the boys were on this day, a Gladney care giver came to our guest house and watched them for us. She was so sweet, and the boys did great with her!

Coffee Ceremony at the Gladney Care Center

Wednesday, September 1 was set aside for us to go to the Gladney Care Center, where our boys have lived the last several months while they've waited to be adopted. We got to tour three of the four care houses, see the rooms where our boys lived, and visit some of the beautiful children waiting for their forever families. Here are Brian and Jeremy standing in front of the Care Center where Jeremy lived:

At this point in the trip, Jeremy was really starting to feel more comfortable with us, and we didn't want to disrupt that, but this visit to the care center is part of the adoption journey, and it is the opportunity for the special mothers (the primary caregivers) of each child to say their goodbyes. First we toured Zachary's care center, and he was taken by a caregiver, and we were sent on our way to finish the tour. (We were told this would happen. The special mother takes the child from you and has some special time to say goodbye. They also buy a traditional Ethiopian outfit as a parting gift to dress the child in for the coffee ceremony.)

As we neared Jeremy's care house, he was calm as could be, and as soon as his special mother found him, she approached him, and his face absolutely lit up, and he went right to her...no problem at all! Jeremy's special mother is named Mami (pronounced "Mommy"), and she is a beautiful woman, inside and out! I'm so glad she loved and cared for him all of those months he spent in Gladney's care.

She immediately put him in one of the cribs and started changing him into his traditional outfit.

Can't you just feel how much she loves him?!

After we finished our tour of the care centers, we congregated in the living room of one of the care houses for a traditional Ethiopian coffee ceremony.

This woman roasted the coffee beans and then ground them by hand with a mortar and pestle. And then the coffee was served.

Soon, Mami and Jeremy entered the room and she presented him to us in his adorable outfit.

She was so strong and dignified in the way she handled her goodbye. She hugged and kissed him, and asked for a kiss from him (which he obliged), and she handed him over to us.

She posed for a picture with us, we thanked her for caring for our son, and then she walked out of the room...and as she walked away, my mom saw her wiping away tears from her eyes.

This is Zachary with his special mother, Hiwot:

We didn't get to spend as much time talking with Hiwot as we did with Mami, but one of the Gladney interns said that Hiwot is a wonderful caregiver. We believe it! All of the children in Gladney's care seem so well loved and well taken care of.

After leaving the care centers, all of the adoptive families and our children went to Top View, a restaurant with a view of the city. Jeremy sat right next to me and shared my lasagna with me, and then he wanted to toddle around, and I snapped this shot of my gorgeous boy!

It was another amazing day in Ethiopia!

Aug. 31: U.S. Embassy Appointment, Lion Zoo, Bonding

Our appointment at the U.S. Embassy to sign paperwork for obtaining the boys' visas to bring them home was on Tuesday at 1pm. So that morning, Brian and I decided to stay at the guest house with the boys while our moms went out to see Entoto Mountain and to visit the Lion Zoo.

Here is my mom posing with one of the lions.

This zoo houses Abyssinian Lions native to Ethiopia. They are known for their black manes.

Meanwhile, back at the guest house, we gave Jeremy a bath in a little toddler tub the guest house lent us to use to sit in the bottom of our stand up shower.

Jeremy really started to relax and enjoy himself with us that day, and we could see the bonding/attachment process beginning. While we were at the embassy, he called me "Mama" for the first time! I was so surprised and happy to hear it!

Our embassy appointment was pretty uneventful. We were briefed by Joanna (one of Gladney's staff) as to what we should expect. After hanging out in a waiting area for about an hour with the other families from our agency, we were called upstairs where we were asked a few questions by a kind American woman working there, then we signed a couple of documents for each child, and we were sent on our way!

As a fun side note, Jeremy and Zachary flew home with Ethiopian passports that had the cutest photos of them in it. Their passports had a special visa in them issued by the U.S. Embassy that insured that the moment they entered the U.S.A., they would become American citizens! So now that we are home, my boys are already U.S. citizens!!!

Jeremy and Zachary Day!

We arose in Dubai very early on the morning of August 30, 2010 for our morning flight to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

We landed at the Addis airport, purchased our visas, changed a little money, and got through immigration by about noon. As we were walking out of the airport, there was Genet! She decided to come to the airport with our driver Solomon to surprise us!

Travis, one of the Gladney staff told us to go ahead and get settled in at our guest house because he would be coming by to bring us Jeremy and Zachary in just an hour and a half! We made a quick stop to borrow a cell phone for the week, went to a grocery store to get some baby formula and some other staples, and then went to our guest house.

We arrived at the Yebsabi Guest House (which deserves a post of its very own--we just LOVED it), and were pleased to find our room just as we requested--with two cribs set up in it! This was the view we had from our balcony:

We didn't even have our bags unpacked when Travis called and said he was about five minutes away, so we went downstairs to the lobby to wait for him. Brian and his Mom sat anxiously holding hands. Brian was adopted as an infant, so the day brought back a some special memories for his mom, and it was so special to have her and my mom share in this life-changing moment!

Not long after we went downstairs, we saw the gates of the guest house open, and Travis' white SUV pulled through with our boys inside!

Poor Jeremy was crying before he even got out of the car, and Travis placed him in Brian's arms.

Then he brought Zachary out of the van and placed him in my arms!

We all moved inside to the lobby to just be together, take pictures, and for Travis to give us some information about what to expect during the rest of our week in Addis Ababa.

Mr. Zachary was his usual sweet self. He has some serious reflux, so we like to call him Mr. Milky Mouth.

It didn't take long for Jeremy to calm down...

...and soon he was asleep:

It was officially "Jeremy and Zachary Day"! They were in our arms and we were a family!

The grandmothers fell in love instantly!

After we'd gotten reacquainted with the boys a little bit, we all went up to our family suite (two bedrooms with an adjoining family room and kitchenette), and got the boys into some comfy, cozy clothes and just spent the rest of the day together.

It was definitely one of the most amazing and best days of my life!

Thank You, Father God, for bringing Jeremy and Zachary into our family!